– You are able to verbalise your needs and feelings, and are willing to start a conversation about issues in a relationship.
– To quote my favourite advice columnist Captain Awkward, “Introverts are welcome, but the strong silent type does nothing for me.” This goes for online communication too – I’m looking for someone who’s also interested in an ongoing daily conversation where we can build a repository of in-jokes, shared references, issues we feel passionately about, funny/cute things, etc. If this sounds stressful rather than exciting, we’re probably not a good fit.
I’m not entirely sure I’ll hear back from him, but it was a really amicable resolution to that episode, and I’m glad I gave it enough time to see how compatible we were
In the four messages I’ve sent in my first month on Okcupid, I’ve engaged with their politics, interests and humour, but whether/how these guys responded to the rest of my profile (and photos!) tells me a lot about whether we’d be a good fit for each other. I’ve had two guys reply enthusiastically; I was texting the first one every day for the week before and after our wonderful 5-hour first date, but he became less and less communicative when stressful stuff (which I believe, since we disclosed mental health stuff early on and he told me a lot about what was happening) came up. (We were both travelling in the three weeks after our date, which didn’t help.) No matter how attracted I’d been, it subsided once I’d experienced two rounds of anxiety and sadness due to his disappearing for a few days and leaving me convinced I’d been ghosted, then reappearing to Share Feelings (and get free emotional labour I guess, no sex had been involved). After about a month, I ended things via text, saying that I really liked him and had wanted to see where things would go, but his need for space interacted badly with my anxiety if I don’t hear from someone every day. I also said that it looks like we both know what worked for us, thanked him for a great first date and opening up to me, and said (after a few hours’ of thought haha) I’d be open to hanging out as friends occasionally if he was. (Reading Capt Awkward also prompted me to end with “If not, good luck with things and with your Okc search.”)
I feel kind of wary of people who are deeply non-confrontational, because it makes me wonder how much of what they do/say is just to placate me, and whether there’s a seething mass of resentment building underneath that
I feel that it was because I was selective about that I’d chosen someone who responded well – he replied saying friends would be better, and wanted to meet up after he’d had time to decompress from [stressful events]. Literally hours later, I got a reply from another guy I messaged the day before, saying mine was the best first message he’d ever received in his experience of online dating (and he’s been dating way longer than I have, despite being several years younger), and apologising profusely for the “lateness” of his reply. Our opening exchange was about Edward Said and Alison Bechdel, wand he couldn’t have responded better to the things I disclosed if he’d been following Captain Awkward scripts. On our first date, he was also very (disconcertingly) explicit (but not pushy!) about his attraction to me; I found this overwhelming because I have had so little experience of this, but also besthookupwebsites.org/mature-dating-review very reassuring. So I’m excited to see where this could go, and two great first dates are more than I expected to find.